Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Just Another 20 Dollar Nosebleed

(illustration, sans words, by aRiBoObOo)

The first time I was old enough to understand it wasn't natural for blood to drip out of the nose, I properly freaked out. In retrospect, freaking out only happened because I didn't know what to do during a nosebleed. I'm now a seasoned nosebleed-er & the sight of blood from my face doesn't faze me. So, just in case any of you have a nosebleed & haven't yet mastered the heroic ways of the constant nosebleed-er, please, step into my office?

Numéro un: There's no need to panic. 
Unless you really want to. (We all love adrenaline.)

Numéro deux: Find some tissues or a tap to clean up the mess on your face. 

Numéro trois: Determine what just happened.
#1) Did something hit your nose?
#2) Did you sneeze blood out?
#3) Or did it just happen like Britney's shaved head?

Numéro quatre: 
◆If it's #1, go to the hospital & get an X-ray because it's a safe bet your nose is either broken or fractured.

◆#2 might occur when you're a spaz who sneezes way too much, or you stuck something crazy up your nose. Your nasal membranes have either thinned (membranes can crack especially in dry weather), or it may have been injured. Follow these steps:

1. Pinch the soft part of your nose.
2. Press it up against the bony bridge.
3. While pinching yourself, lean slightly forward, tilt your head forward, but never let your head fall lower than your heart.
4. If your head falls lower than your heart, the heart will stop pumping blood to your brain & you will die.

5. I'M KIDDING. You won't die that way
6. Head above the heart level, keep in position (3) for 5 minutes, or until the bleeding stops.
7. You can ice your nose afterwards too if you're a little whiney princess.

◆If #3 is your case, see a doctor. And if your nosebleeds continue to be unexplained & spontaneous (like Lady Gaga's wardrobe), you could very well be a witch, or wizard (which is pretty cool). Or maybe, you're seeing dead people. If so, you should promptly find a religion & pray for god to save your cursed soul. Or maybe not.

Good luck on your future nosebleeding endeavours! 
And remember, everything looks better with a smile.

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